react , but do it according to the american set of rules

It is no so great to learn from the man you love that you are a
complete failure in maintaing a relationship. to wake up thinking
that the best solution for your life is to be alone so you dont make
anyones life hell? To think that you are so bad that you are not able
to live on love and on hopes that things are going to be the way you
dreamed about. It doesnt sound to me that it is to ask too much to
have a man free for yourself. It is terrible to feel that you are
humiliating yourself and getting all wrong in trying to show him that
you feel sorry for the fact that he is not emotionaly free to be with
you.
It is not so great when you fail to understand that the reasons why he
cant get rid of another woman( dont worry, its not love, its something
else that has nothing to do with me) and that has nothing to do with
you. It is something else that you may never understand. You have to
be sane, you cant react bad and hysterical when you see a mental mess
and an ocean of contradiction( asking me to marry under a tree and
seing Grace one minute later...). It is not so great to learn that not
only you are so heavy that the man you love feels good when you get
out to go to work in the morning but his friends realized that you are
hysterical and crazy. Right. My reactions are disproportional and
incorrect. But what about the actions that cause my reactions? What
about the weight of that place? What about coming "home " every night
and having the same feeling, looking at a fucking piano and feeling
bad about because despite of all observations, that house being intact
and woth none of my personality or his does mean something and does
make me sad. Do I have the hability to be happy? I guess so. But not
with someone who call someone else "my wife" when lying in bed with
me. That is way off my limits and I am doing a shitty job in making my
point. does anyone thinks that he will stop that when he signs a
paper?
If its shameful for him to get the divorce, its more shameful to me to
live witha married man.
Not so great to have thrown in your face a list of nice things that
are done to you. You go away one weekend with the person you love and
this fact comes in every single conversation. How many times I make
lists of things I do for him? Oh, I brought home orange juice becasue
I want you to see how nice I am a to you. I go to basebal games
becasue I want you to see how nice I am to you. I think about you all
day and even though we have arguments, I never want you to be anywhere
else but with me. Arent you heavy? how many times I made sure you knew
how hard it is to live with someone who has no routine, whos life is a
complete mess?
I never expected a man to pay anything for me and now I see myself
messing up and humiliating myself just becasue my source of presents
are street vendors, bags of donations and my own wedding ring, which I
got from another boyfriend? That has a meaning to me and i am very
sorry that becasue I love and only becasue I love and I am not
interested in anyones money is that is has a meaning. Because to me,
it is the clear example that he is not free. I cant handle that. Cant.
misery enough and you have to feel worse becasue your reaction is not
appropriate? thinwing at yuor face that he listens to you,he does
your "funckin" laundry.
Please, behave in a way I can trust. Dont flirt with my friends, stop
staring at every woman in the street and get the divorce and I can
guarantee a better life and a more approproiate reaction.
you have a 3 hour conversation, you dont sleep and nobody feels any
better about it. what to do?